Hello.
I am Dismal Moron, and this is my blog.
A lot of this blog is intended to be private. If you are my friend, then you know the password. It’s one of my favorites, and it starts with “Bob” followed by a series of numbers. If you don’t know the password, send me an email and I’ll probably send it to you.
Please note, only some of the content is private. If you want to take a look around the wiki, the photographs, the map, or the calendar – feel free. That’s what they are there for.
Thanks.
I can’t please everyone.
I can’t please anyone.
I am so full of “I can’t” right now, I have no room for Win. I have no room for even a moderate compromise.
I’m moving. Again. My kids, especially my son, are going to be socially stunted because they switch schools so often that they don’t get to establish long term friendships. My girlfriend is miserable because we live so far out of town and I have no car. She doesn’t even want to be here any more, but has no where else to go. My ex-wife is always angry with me, even when I’m being nice and cordial. Right now she’s upset because I threw my back out. I’m on vicodin and flexeril, thus ill-equipped to deal with the kids for a night. A single night. So I asked her to watch them. Of all the times she’s asked me to watch them, she still owed me one, but I didn’t bring it up because I know she’s been working doubles and this is bad timing. Then Luciene shows me a paper before she gets here saying he needs sandals / old shoes / water shoes for school tomorrow. I offer my Ex my bank card to take care of it and I get chewed out. Fuck me, man.
My VA Doctors keep fucking around with my disability rating and Kayla’s compensation rate. And then there’s Leo, constantly upset about his life. What the hell does he know about struggle? Really. Nothing. His worst fear is getting a bad grade in college. .applaud. Good for you. That’s so stressful you should jump off a bridge. Today I totally lost respect for him. He’s almost 30 and still acting like he just graduated high school. Try juggling your kids, school, disability, an unhappy girlfriend, an intolerable ex-wife, and $10,000 worth of debt with no hope of ever paying it back. Try to qualify for an apartment on less than $1200 a month that will house 4 people. Try coming to terms with the idea that you have no financial security and two dependents that need it.
Try dealing with real pain. My back has been out for the better part of a year. This week I was unable to walk because it got so bad. Try having knees that go out on you when you’re carrying groceries in to the house, or when you’re towing your kids to school via bike and trailer. Take a second to imagine nerve damage on your groin that makes sex nearly impossible and masturbation a painful experience. Then add to it a sex addiction and watch how pain and pleasure mix.
Let’s go with emotional pain. Live with a partner for for years and listen to that person as they emphasize that the only reason they stay is lack of self-esteem. Know that the reason they stay is because the economy sucks and they can’t find a job. Know that your partner loves others far more than you, and the best you can ever hope for is scraps. Try being so emotionally scarred and abused that you had to see your adoptive mother dead in her casket before you could sleep easy at night. Then stay up at night and wonder whether your kids are going to turned out as screwed as you are.
And all this is before you realize that half your life has been hallucinations. Spend the rest of your night trying to sort out what memories are real and what ones aren’t. Then keep it all to yourself because trying to talk to people about it only shows them how unbalanced you are, and scares them away from you.
I’m so tired of listening to people whine. There is always someone out there worse off than you. I’ve met people worse off than me. Far worse off. You learn to either eliminate the problems or choose to suck it up for a trade off on something you think is worth it. My girlfriend, to me, is worth the trade off of the pain she causes: for now. My ex was not.
The whole fucking world needs to learn how to deal with reality.
Well, that is a question best answered in parts.
Part One – Myself:
Happiness. For me, happiness is achieved best by meeting my own personal needs and by also helping others. Both of these points are important, and necessary, for my personal happiness. I cannot be happy if my needs aren’t met, but in the same point: My happiness is partially dependent on making others happy. I enjoy helping people. I need to be somewhere that I can assist others, but also where I can easily escape for myself.
Healthiness. Being in better shape is important to me, but I struggle with it constantly. I do well in environments where others are working out with me, but on my own I fail. I really enjoy running, but am so out of shape that walking has become a problem. I need a physical fitness partner.
Sexuality. My capacity for sex is not met. It hasn’t even come close to being met for almost 2 years now. This burdens me, and creates a feeling of undesireability and depression in me. It affects my thoughts and actions, and carries with it an attitude that needs to constantly be silenced and kept in check. I need sex, varying in type, in a higher-than-normal frequency.
Knowledge. Because of my illness, medication, and depression, I have become mentally unfocused. This is unacceptable, and has to be corrected. Through schooling I have become aware that this is easily corrected, although it can be very time-consuming. I desire to learn everything, from languages to math to science to useless information about hair products. I used to read the back of bottles while in the bathroom because I didn’t want to waste time with my mind being idle. I need mental stimulation. I need intellectual challenges, provided they are in a positive manner.
Part Two – Friends and Family:
Being able to be there. Lending out some money, giving someone a temporary room or a shoulder to cry on. Staying with someone overnight at the hospital. I used to do these sort of things for my friends, but now it is a truly rare occurrence. I would like to blame it on my inability to drive, but the truth is that I am broke, and my home is not the welcoming, safe haven that it used to be. I need to be able to help the people I care for.
Part Three – Others:
Spontaneous. People stuck on the side of the road. Picking up things others have dropped. Helping people take out their trash or move furniture just because I happen to be walking by when they are struggling: These are all things I used to do. I stopped doing them because they inconvenienced the people I care for. My (ex)wife at first, now my current girlfriend. The people I choose to have an intimate life with often place me in the position of choosing between caring for them or caring for others. I need a partner that wants to help others as much as I do. Not someone that just tolerates it, but they also need to participate and encourage this behavior.
Part Four – Goals:
Everyone knows about my bucketlist. But those are things I want to do, and don’t necessarily feel obliged to complete before this life is over. They are not requirements. My goals are things that I require. And they are quite simple.
I need my children to be taken care. That is something that is very important to me. They deserve a better life than I’ve had. Why? Because no one deserves the life I’ve lived. These are my children. They are my direct contribution to the world, and I want them to both live in a better place than I have, and continue to make it better.
I need to do something with myself. That is why becoming a librarian is so important to me. It’s something I can do, despite my mental illness. By being a librarian, I can help people and accomplish. It will also set me up with experience for my other goal, that is: to fix the world.
I need to fix the world. I know, that sounds outlandish – but it’s true. I want to spend the time after I acquire my degree setting up a center for intercultural understanding and exchange. I want it to surpass country and social boundaries, and be a place for knowledge and understanding amount faiths, races, creeds, and sexes. It would be our first step towards caring for all people. Then we can move from there to address all our other concerns. But without ingraining every person on the planet with the idea that every other person on the planet is human, and not just a number, we will never overcome our history of violence and hate.
This is a work in progress, and will be updated semi-regularly.
