Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

There are days when all the crap I see is overwhelming. To the point where I don’t sit down and blog.

That was Wednesday. And most of Thursday. It’s days where everything is gruesome, and I see little demons pulling the skin off my screaming children while the house is burning around me. It’s walking into an ice cold room that looks like it’s from the 1930’s in Russia, with dark brownish-red stains around the holes in the wall where knives were thrown at people and missed. Its breathing in the air and only smelling acrid, rotting flesh, methane, and sulfur. Struggling to breathe and ignore all the stimuli that is tearing through the walls I’ve so carefully constructed to help me pretend none of this exists.

The lopsided creatures and grotesque images, combined with me snapping at the people I care for because I can’t just relax and logically disprove the hallucinations. They happen so frequent and so fast. These days are the worst.

Then I’m on edge and fight and yell, and no matter how I try to calm myself down my heart is raging like a bull on steroids trying to escape my chest, and even when I close my eyes the darkness envelopes me and fear screams until I open them again, only to be immersed right back into what I came from.

And I can’t talk about it to the people I trust. They think I’m weak, or that I’m over-exaggerating. It’s all I can do to keep from tears and all I can think about is drinking or popping pills until it all goes away. Even the solace of my children is tainted and ruined, and there is no where to fall back to: No escape. I’m trapped in the confines of my own conscious, and ┬ásimply living with myself is breaking me down from the inside out.

Sooner or later I will shatter. I can only pray that I last long enough to see my children graduate and make something of themselves. I love them so much.

Categories: Everyday

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