Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

It’s Monday. I made it through a whole weekend alone. YAY!

I have no idea how I’m going to see my doctor on the 6th yet, as that is the kid’s first day of school. I’m really weary to see her anyway, given how mis-trusting I am of her now.

I find myself missing Kayla, but to a much lesser degree. I love the girl dearly, but I’m afraid everything is going to go right back to where it was before she left as soon as she comes back. Right now she’s probably thinking the same thing. Well, at this exact moment of writing this she’s watching the new Batman flick, but I meant as of today.

I’m still full of doubt when it comes to our relationship. I was talking to someone online the other day, and was asked a series of questions that really made me think. My problem isnt’s Kayla. My problem is being #2.

In a any relationship, not everyone is equal. More so when it comes to our “not so monogamous as much as relationship issues preventing us from taking the initiative to find other partners” relationship. There are people you love more and people you love less. There are people you keep in your life for a time, and people that you keep in your life forever. People you have sex with, people you don’t. Every person you meet is in a relationship with you, whether it’s friendship, romantic, sexual, platonic, or just a working-relationship.

With Kayla, she is my #1. She is my top priority. She ranks above everyone else. She is the person I’m committed to, and when it comes down to it I will most likely side with her over other people. I don’t have a choice in the matter – it’s where my heart lays. I would follow her to the depths of hell just for her company. She’s an amazing woman, and I will do my damnedest to protect her and love her and care for her.

You see, being in a relationship means different things to different people. To me it’s not about having to spend every moment with someone. That’s boring. It’s about sharing experiences. You are excited, and the first person you want to share things with should be your significant other. Something happens that’s crappy and who do you call first? It’s the person you care and trust the most, that’s who. Something fantastic happens, like winning a world-class vacation, who do you want to go with you? Not who you’re feel obligated to bring, but who do you genuinely want with you for a week while you’re out having a blast, to smile with you, and to laugh with you, and to make you go and do all the things that you wouldn’t do without them? You call them, not because it feels like a chore, but because you really want them to know how you’re doing and what you’re feeling, and you honestly care how they’re doing as well. That’s the difference between a regular friendship and a relationship for me.

That’s why I’m so angry at this situation. I care for her like that whole-heartedly, and I have no choice in the matter; whereas she does not feel the same way towards me. This is, in part, my own fault. Years ago I made mistakes, and she has never forgiven me. But I cannot continue to live my life based on guilt from my past mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ve forgiven myself, and it’s time to move forward.

The other part is her. She loves others in that manner, and holds them dear to her heart. Much closer, in fact, than she holds me. The logical side of me realizes that she can’t help this anymore than I can help caring about her. But it hurts to see it, and to experience it. Watching her love someone else the way I want to be loved, knowing that it will never be me on the receiving end. She’s told me as much, “I love you fine, just not the way you want to be loved.” That’s what really hurts.

So I’m always torn. I can continue to care for her and get hurt, or distance myself and refrain from loving altogether. I’ve tried to distance myself. Over and over again, but I always come back to her. And it goes well for awhile, but then I see it on her – that look she gets, or the fact that even when she’s upset about them she keeps on smiling. She doesn’t even realize it, and she gets really upset when I show her proof. It’s hard, you know, facing the fact that you care for someone that much and they’ll never return the feelings. I think she get’s angry as a defense, whereas I just grow increasingly more depressed.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen when she gets back. I know now that I can survive on my own, albeit without my children here with me. I know it would make life hard for Sara, and I feel pretty bad about her always being on the short-end of the stick for my screw-ups, too. But sometimes life is hard, you know?

I’m really considering stopping the constant battle in my head for sanity and just giving in. It’s really appealing, being committed and medicated. I wouldn’t care anymore. I wouldn’t be torn anymore. No responsibilities. No disappointment. After this many years of disappointing someone else, and trying to force love where it’s just not going to happen, a semi-comatose life sounds like it would be so much less painful.



Categories: Everyday

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