Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

Another year has passed. I saw you on your birthday, but I didn’t make it out for your death this year. I’m sorry.

I know it’s been years, but it always feels like you’re just going to pop up at my door any second. Each and every stupid word of our last conversation is ingrained in my mind – I wish I had said something more meaningful. My kids are growing up. They’re both in school now. You would be proud of how well-behaved they are. They even have morals and character and such; trying to do the right thing, even when it’s hard. Surprising, given all the stuff we did together, right? I’m not always the best dad, but I try. It gets difficult without that constant presence of compassion and the accompanying happiness you cast off. We both know my best skills were logic… ….and deterity. Too often I find myself lacking empathy, becoming the exact person I hated. The people surrounding me now are not particularly happy – even the ones that act like it; and my trusted friends have become bitter and cynical.

I’m trying to fix it, though. Me. I’m trying to fix me. I started school to meet new people, put myself in the midst of happier folks. Yes, I willingly subject myself to the massive crouds of bustling people that scare me when I go. There’s been some problems with transportation, but that should be fixed soon. Been trying to take care of myself. Not to good at it. Balancing taking care of others with myself is a hazadous occupation, and I can assure you: sleep is underrated.

I’ve also been catching up with some old friends. I owe Momo some money, but I don’t think I’ll have it until next year. I’m a bit ashamed about that – but it’s not my fault. The VA messed a couple of dates up and that put me behind on some stuff. Jay-Allen is big. He’s quite handsome and going to ASU. The boy grew up to be a genius. He also made a few of the same mistakes we did, but it seems he learned his lesson.  .snerk.  Yeah – he’s probably just gotten better at hiding things, lol. Kayla is almost on to college, too. It’s odd, seeing them all grown up. I remember the day you introduced me to her. Bossy little thing, that.

It’s hard to accept that you’re gone. I keep trying, but every time a memory surfaces you come alive again, if only for an instant. You truly were an incredible person, despite your faults. Even in the face of pain and suffering you thought of other people. Sometimes things didn’t turn out right, but I think you had the right idea. I can only hope to offer others the same unconditional love you offered me. You have made me irrevocable proof that when your heart and soul die, you keep right on living.

I hate you. Stupid Girl.

Categories: Everyday

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