Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

Long days lead to longer nights and I am just a fly stuck in the amber.

Kayla has been feeling pretty bad about things lately. I try and listen, but she just doesn’t feel comfortable taking about some things to me. Other things she feels like she’s talked and talked and talked to me about it, but the situation doesn’t change and she thinks I’m sick of hearing it.

I’m not, but there is very little I can do to convince her otherwise. Her sister has been estranged, her brother is an drug addict, almost all of her friends are on the other side of the continent, she can’t keep a good, stable job, and her heart still belongs to a man that doesn’t love her and has moved to a different state.

In other matters, my kids are doing extremely well in school. Amaris is working on her writing and Luciene has begun to read. Both are doing well in math. They like school and are making a lot of friends. Luciene talks to me about girls he likes and new friends he makes. Amaris really likes seeing other kids after school. This is the first year where I’ve felt well enough to actually go to activities.

We’ve been playing together alot more recently, too. We play ball outside, board games inside, sing along to music, and sometimes we play nintendo. It’s a lot of fun, and while it’s tempered with discipline, lately it’s been a lot more lax. My children are well-behaved. I’ve even had them talk to their mother when they are unhappy with how little time they get to play with her. I’m so proud of them. I love them so much.

I’m doing alright in school. My CIS class is alright, although I’ve turned in the first late coursework of my entire life last week. I made a mistake in my scheduling, but it’s not going to affect my grade much so I’m not going to bring it up to my professor. Math is alright, but my instructor doesn’t update the grades on the assignments so I’m not sure what my grade is. Otherwise I’m at a 92 in CIS, 98 in English, and my Math score is Unknown. ¬†English is the same teacher: Sam Martinez. He’s not too bright, and I’m not looking forward to finishing up the second class with him during the Winter intercession.

My scooter is running. All my other stuff seems in alignment. Yule will be a bit on the pauper side this year, but it will never be as desolate as it was previously. We’re having Thanksgiving at Sara and Beau’s place. She has the kids for Thanksgiving (she traded me for Samhain) and I have them for Winter Break / Yule. She’s moving in with him in¬†January.

I’m happy for her, to be honest. Not happy like an embittered ex: truly happy. I could never love the woman the way she deserves to be loved, so I bailed. Not it seems my fitting punishment that I care for a woman that will never reciprocate my feelings while she is happily headed to a partnership with someone else. The only thing that bothers me is that she doesn’t seem happy. She smiles. It’s not even that sallow smile she used to give me, all hollow and dead inside, it’s just not truly happy. I feel responsible for it – it’s my fault. I broke her.

I break everyone around me. It’s unfortunate, but true.

I got a call from someone in my blood family last week. Talked for over an hour. Learned lots of stuff about my family. Also learned that my family was truly scared of me. I wish I could make peace with them about this, but it will take time. I promised to call back this week, and I have. No answer, but here’s to hoping the person I was supposed to talk to was sleeping.

Good news: I was approved for Vocational¬†Rehabilitation. I’m contracted until my BA in Anthropology, then after will re-contract for a MA in Library Science.

Tomorrow I clean house. Tonight I relax. Watching Battlestar Galactica. Trying to finish up the series before I watch Blood and Chrome.

Categories: Everyday

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