Indistinct Mumblings of an Unsound Mind

Alright folks, lets be serious for a minute.

I would highly suggest downloading one of the following applications like, iDrinkulator for iPhone or AlcoDroid for Android.

That, and getting a designated driver. One that will not be drinking. At all. Don’t look at me like that. Emergencies happen, and a lot of people drive while intoxicated because “it was an emergency.” Guess what? That’s still driving.

If your designated driver has been drinking, then I suggest having this number handy: 1.800.222.4357  It’s AAA’s number for their “Tipsy Tow” program. According to their website, from 6 PM on the 31st to 6 AM on the 1st, AAA is providing a one-way tow for up to 10 miles, provided you are going home (or to a hotel/motel, etc). Write the number on your arm, program it in your phone, or tattoo it on your partner’s ass.

If you do call for a cab, use a company that offers a free ride back. I know Discount Cabs does. Basically, if you’re so drunk you can’t make it and you call them for a cab, specifically mention getting a free ride back when you request the taxi. The phone operator gives you a redeemable code and you get a free ride back to your vehicle the next day. Voila!

Hosting a party? You are legally responsible for the people there. LEGALLY. If they leave from your shindig drunk and something happens, you can be damn skippy that a lawyer is going to be contacting you right alongside the police.

Plan ahead. There’s a reason I posted this in the morning. You should be sober (enough) to read this and understand it.

Tonight you have plans. So does everyone else. Let’s not ruin it by killing someone in  an accident caused because your dumb ass was drinking.


Click here for a personal note to those of you that decide to do so despite this information.

I’m not going to quote statistics at you. MADD has that covered here. I’m not going to chastise you for drinking enough to black out and then hopping up on meth to make it through the evening. Those are your choices and it is your life.

But if one of you jackholes hurts one of my kids while I’m out tomorrow night, I’m coming for you. There will be no place you can hide. Divine retribution will look like a blessed mercy when I catch you, because my children are the sole reason I exist. When I wake up, they are the reason I fight off the hallucinations and work through the paranoia, and if you take them from me I will have nothing left.

A man with nothing to live for has no fear of consequence. I can promise you – the only thing I will seek is your suffering, and not just physical harm, either. I will take every deeply held love you have and find a way to remove you from it. Legally. You will be completely and utterly alone. I’ll find a way to get you fired, expelled, and socially outcast. You’ll be labeled a pedophile first, then a racist, then a radical. You think you’re safe in Jail?

I own a significant number of gangleaders. You got nothing. There is no safe place for you. And I’m not going to let you die. Oh hell no. I will follow you around, personally resuscitating your ass to make sure you can’t escape. There is no mercy for you, child-killer. Your family will disown you, or they will be just plain afraid to be around you because of the awful things that happen when you come around. Your friends will grow silent at the mention of your name. Untouchables will whisper your name in their scary stories.

Then, just when you think nothing can be worse, it will be. Legality will become optional.

When I am done with you, you will be stark, raving mad. Around every corner you will see my face and the pictures of my children that I pinned your eyes open to stare at. You’ll cringe at the smell of alcohol because you were waterboarded with it, then forcibly fed activated charcoal to puke it up. Day after day, week after week, for months unending, there will be new and more creative tortures until I grow bored. You won’t be found – I will eventually exhaust all the options I can think of and let you go. 

However, there will be no reprieve for you: not even after I’m caught and jailed. People owe me favors and they will come for you next. The worst of it all will be knowing I’ll get out one day, having had time to contemplate exactly what else I’m going to do to you. I’m a patient, cold, calculating person with one foot in the deep end already.

If for no other reason, I would advise against your decision in the interest of self-preservation. I won’t end you. I will be the beginning of you.

And think, I’m just one Dad out there, among many.


Categories: Everyday

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